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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
perks-of-being-chinese
mathed-potatoes

Yesterday I went to dinner to catch up with my buddy from the math department, and he told me this story about how he ran the city marathon in 2 hours, 59 minutes. That’s an amazing time. He was 19th out of thousands. 

He was doing pretty well for the first half, but then his ankle started to hurt. He slowed down for a bit, but then this girl he passed before passed him, and he started overthinking whether or not it was awkward to pass the same person multiple times, and, like, what if they small-talked about it? He decided it was better to pass her and stay ahead, so he picked up the pace. A few miles later, he fell in with two dude-bros who started talking to him. Not pleased to find himself in the company of dude-bros, he pulled ahead once again. This continued for a while; every time he got closed to a group of other marathoners, his social anxiety kicked in and he ran faster because he felt nervous being near people. 

TL;DR A mathematician ran an record marathon to avoid making small-talk with randos. He introverted his way into qualifying for the Boston marathon. 

alpheychan-blog
altonzm

french recipes: if you’re not making this in paris then what’s the point. fuck you

italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house

thirdtimecharmed

american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked

svynakee

chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void. 

orriculum

English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy

digitalfare

Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.

jamesandlilys

Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie

pajarosdelamancha

Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts

megatrcn

Filipino recipes: add rice and soy sauce and some more rice MORE RICE MORE RICE MORE

zora-zen

Serbian Recipes: everything is salad. Ajvar? Salad. A single whole hot pepper covered in oil? Salad. Cabbage? Salad. Kajmak? Salad.

oddybutgoodie

Lebanese recipes: If you don’t have at least 3 family members cooking this dinner with you than you aren’t doing it right.

demonessryu

Indonesian recipes: have you added spices? Add some just in case. Eat with rice. It’s not a proper meal until there’s rice in it. You just had bread/burger/cake/pizza? Eat rice anyway or you’ll die of starvation

Bonus Javanese recipes: Have you added sugar? What do you mean it’s meant to be salty/sour/spicy/something else? ADD SUGAR.TO IT

silver-millennial

Canadian recipes: Well part of the directions are in metric but you have imperial measuring cups. I hope you like math because we’re going to find out how many gallons in a litre and how many millimetres are in a cup.

stammsternenstaub

Swedish recipes: Assemble all the beige items you have in your kitchen. Great. now add raw red onions, dill and salt and white pepper. if u prefer it blander, don’t do the last things. consider serving it with jam

saxifraga-x-urbium

Norwegian recipes: listen after three days skiing uphill you will eat anything so stop complaining.

loonydoc13

Indian recipes: spend two weeks digging the required spices out of your cupboards. Chop onions until you cry. Fry onions with spices until evey pore in your body is open, let the fragrance seep into your skin, become one with the curry.

athenastudying

german recipes: this meal isn’t what you think it is. it has 164 different names in different regions. it’s either made of potatoes, served with potatoes, or it’s cake. there’s a 50% chance it’s actually austrian, but don’t tell anyone.

flyingmintteabag

belarusian recipes: “cook over a slow fire until done”. how many degrees is a slow fire? when is “done”? what am i even cooking there’s no picture and the only ingredients are honey and cornflower

philiasperanza

turkish recipes: “if you do this, there’s really -REALLY- good change that you’ll die because everything is too spicy or too sweet but here we go”

regulusblxcks

romanian recipes: if you don’t already know the ingredients and directions by heart then what are we doing here

reguluz

Brazilian recipes: make an extra sweet (preferably with chocolate) version of other culture’s food (sushis, hot dogs, pizzas, kibes, sfeehas, spaghetti made of chocolate; strawberry sashimis, banana burritos…)

notahotlibrarian

American South recipes: put a stick of butter in it.  Oh, you already put butter in? Well, bless your heart honey, but go ahead and put another stick of butter in there.

markwatneythespacepirate

Polish Recipes: potato? Potato.

once-and-future--emrys

Lithuanian Recipes : You’ll need mushrooms from THIS EXACT forest , and good luck knowing what spices you need because every version of this recipe is different ,you’ll either cook it too long or too little and it won’t taste the way you remember it from childhood ADD MORE MUSHROOMS FROM THE ROOTS OF THE TWELFTH TREE IN THIS FOREST

viking-badger

Croatian recipes: add vegeta. did you put some vegeta? i need you to put some vegeta there

akasztofaviragpor

Hungarian recipes: add more paprika and/or sour cream. More. More. MORE. And if you mention that you find it too greasy/spicy, you’re disrespecting our ancestors back to Attila the Hun.

takineko

@yellowcosmos The southern American one made me laugh because that was my exact realization when I became an adult. “Mom, my spaghetti-ohs, eggs, and mac and cheese don’t taste as good as yours.” “put LOTS OF BUTTER IN IT.” “oh…”

papi-chulo-bucky: “nyctaeus: “ goingtopshelf: “ punchbuggydragon: “ breelandwalker: “ irontargaryen: “*cracks neck* my time has come ” Okay, first? Pay off all your debts. Take out a small loan and pay it off right away. Buy several hundred vacant...
irontargaryen

*cracks neck* my time has come

breelandwalker

Okay, first? Pay off all your debts. Take out a small loan and pay it off right away.

Buy several hundred vacant houses. Schedule repairs for said houses with reputable contractors and make sizable down payments in advance. Get everything in writing and hang onto those deeds.

Buy a large open parcel of land that is being auctioned for development. And when I say large, I mean LARGE.

Sink millions into paying off people’s Kickstarters / college loans / medical bills / mortgages, and give generously charity organizations. That alone will carry off a lot of money.

Once you’ve got things down to a reasonable level, say $1m, buy yourself a house, furnishings, appliances, and a dependable car. Pay everything off so that you own it free and clear. Purchase about $200k worth of something easy to liquidate (i.e. gold, gems, bonds, stocks). Put the rest onto prepaid credit cards and wait for Monday to roll around.

NOW THE FUN BEGINS.

You now have commendable credit and a shining public reputation.

Fix up and flip those houses, sell them for fair market value or below to families who need them, or create non-profit homeless shelters. (After all, it’s not like you need to “make” money, this is all running on the proceeds from the property sales.)

Sell the parcel of land to developers, or donate it to public works as a park or open space. Have them name it after you.

Retire to your fully furnished home. Liquidate your extra assets, or leave them to appreciate in value for a later date. Make Christmas epic with those gift cards. Keep the extra money in the bank and keep your day job.

And don’t worry about taxes when return time rolls around, because you’ll be able to write off several millions’ worth of charitable donations.

punchbuggydragon

Basically this

goingtopshelf

This is someone who paid attention in finance class. 

papi-chulo-bucky

This is beautiful.

perks-of-being-chinese
hustleinatrap

it’s sad that puppets are more accepting than people…

luidilovins

LET 👏 ERNIE 👏 AND 👏 BERT 👏 TIE 👏 THE 👏 KNOT 👏 THEY 👏 HAVE 👏 A 👏 MORE 👏 ONGOING 👏 STABLE 👏 RELATIONSHIP 👏 THAN 👏 MOST 👏 OF 👏 US 👏

nightguardmod

Y’all joke about it, but let me tell you a story: See, back in ‘94 (yeah, you youngins), our sociology teacher mentioned that today was the 25th anniversary of Sesame Street. And he proceeded to tell a story.

See, he was in kindergarten when Sesame Street first aired, and he saw the first episode, live, with his classmates. He described the experience of seeing this for the first time as incredible. The entire class loved it.

The next day, however, the teacher announced that they could no longer show it, due to some people upset that it showed interracial friendships, of kids of different ethnicities playing together. Keep in mind that this show was only two years after laws banning interracial marriages were overturned.

So yeah. They’ve been doing the right thing before many of us here were even alive.

strawberrymacaronexplosion

They also handled death better than pretty much any show ever. I remember when Mr Hooper died. Well, really the actor playing him died. They could have written around it or ignored it, but they didn’t. They did a whole show about death and grief, and it was moving and completely perfect. And it pissed people off because it was a kids show and I guess some people think kid shows should be happy all the time.
Sesame street is the best show. I would have said so at 5, and I still say so as a childfree 35 year old.

thomasmwilson

Children’s media should respect the intelligence of their audience and Sesame Street won’t flinch from that.

thingsstingshouldsing

This is all so true, which makes it even worse that new episodes of Sesame Street are effectively behind a 6 month paywall.

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